Setting Boundaries and Limits Before a Gay Hookup

Sex scandals barely seem to register in The U.S. of A., but in Canada, news of a popular media personality gone wild can shake the country to its knickers (oh, dear Canada, always more British than The British!)

But the incident in question — that of mega-popular heart-throb radio/tv host Jian Ghomeshi literally bashing women in the head without their consent — does deserve every bit of negative attention it’s getting. This isn’t just a Canadian story. It’s about people everywhere who become victims of sexual violence they had no idea they’d agreed to. Ghomeshi claims that violent sex is his thing, which is all fine and dandy — too bad the women felt otherwise and were given no opportunity to negotiate.

So what does this have to do with a gay dating site? Everything. You don’t have to be a woman to be the victim of sexual assault.

Some guys make it very clear in their profiles that aggressive sex is what they’re after, either top or bottom. All the power to them, let them match themselves accordingly. I’ve hooked up with guys who just couldn’t get it in their thick skulls that I DO NOT want to get plowed, I DO NOT want the inside of my ass ripped apart. Yet for some reason it can go ignored, perhaps because they think my objections are all part of the role play.

Why can’t it be simple? Why can’t we say no and be heard? Why are we made to feel like party-poopers if we pull the plug on a hookup? When I say beforehand (and I do say beforehand), “I noticed in your profile that you like aggressive sex. I don’t. Is that still cool?”, I expect an honest version of one of the following answers:

  1. “Sorry, anything less than aggressive is too vanilla for me.”
  2. “Sure, I can go easy. I like that, too!”

Lo and behold, some guys ignore it all and drive it home without the slightest consideration of the pre-hookup negotiations.

I may not choose it, but I assure you I appreciate the attraction to pain. I pass zero judgement on those who mutually seek and prefer it. Fuck, I have plenty in my songbook that others have found unusual, to say the least.

But if you’re the kind of guy who fucks to hurt—without negotiation—then you’re more than just an aggressor: you’re an asshole.

Be safe!

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