Gay Hookups in Public
Just so we’re clear, by “hookup sites” I mean places like the toilet stalls inside department store washrooms.
I was surfing hookup sites (as I’m wont to do when I’m bored) and got caught up in the cruising locations listings. Obviously the idea of guys hooking up publicly wasn’t new to me, but it wasn’t something I’d practiced. It was eye-opening to find so many popular spots in my very own ‘hood — the library, the food court washroom, the park, and of course the aforementioned department store.
These are all locations through which I pass regularly for non-hookup reasons — but now that I know what’s going on, I can’t help but notice the guys hanging around, cruising!
Or, let me put it another way: I now spend my time trying to figure out who’s there to hook up and who’s not. It’s like being on a quiz show without ever getting to the answer segment.
I can see the attraction of these hookups:
They’re anonymous. Whether anonymity is your thing as a sexual turn on or because your proclivities are on the hush-hush, nothing says it like a toilet stall.
They’re silent. See above and replace “anonymity” with “silence.”
They’re quick. No one hooks up in a toilet stall for a long session followed by cuddling. Gotta get back to work, y’know.
And of course now I wanna try it.
But here’s the thing: despite years of opening my mouth for cock — anonymous or otherwise — I don’t have any experience GPSing the guys who are there to hook up!
how do I tell who’s cruising from those who just “need to go”?
what about undercover cops?
which spots have better “cover” than others?
which spots have recently and covertly been set as traps?
what’s the signal?!
If these places are so obviously obvious as they obviously are, you’d imagine even the cleaning staffs are on board.
So where to begin without ensuring a bust?
Your humble blog-writing servant welcomes all insights. Please!
Setting Boundaries and Limits Before a Gay Hookups
Sex scandals barely seem to register in The U.S. of A., but in Canada, news of a popular media personality gone wild can shake the country to its knickers (oh, dear Canada, always more British than The British!)
But the incident in question — that of mega-popular heart-throb radio/tv host Jian Ghomeshi literally bashing women in the head without their consent — does deserve every bit of negative attention it’s getting. This isn’t just a Canadian story. It’s about people everywhere who become victims of sexual violence they had no idea they’d agreed to. Ghomeshi claims that violent sex is his thing, which is all fine and dandy — too bad the women felt otherwise and were given no opportunity to negotiate.
So what does this have to do with a gay dating site? Everything. You don’t have to be a woman to be the victim of sexual assault.
Some guys make it very clear in their profiles that aggressive sex is what they’re after, either top or bottom. All the power to them, let them match themselves accordingly. I’ve hooked up with guys who just couldn’t get it in their thick skulls that I DO NOT want to get plowed, I DO NOT want the inside of my ass ripped apart. Yet for some reason it can go ignored, perhaps because they think my objections are all part of the role play.
Why can’t it be simple? Why can’t we say no and be heard? Why are we made to feel like party-poopers if we pull the plug on a hookup? When I say beforehand (and I do say beforehand), “I noticed in your profile that you like aggressive sex. I don’t. Is that still cool?”, I expect an honest version of one of the following answers:
“Sorry, anything less than aggressive is too vanilla for me.”
“Sure, I can go easy. I like that, too!”
Lo and behold, some guys ignore it all and drive it home without the slightest consideration of the pre-hookup negotiations.
I may not choose it, but I assure you I appreciate the attraction to pain. I pass zero judgement on those who mutually seek and prefer it. Fuck, I have plenty in my songbook that others have found unusual, to say the least.
But if you’re the kind of guy who fucks to hurt—without negotiation—then you’re more than just an aggressor: you’re an asshole.
Expectations and Planning Hookups
Am I Thinking Too Much?
On the days leading up to a hot fuckdate, yes, I sometimes used to think way too much about it. Other times I worried I hadn’t given it enough thought.
So let’s say you have a hot fuck coming up on the weekend. Will spending every waking moment beforehand make for anticipation-overload, possibly even cause an anticlimactic date? Or will tossing all mental prep aside put you at the mercy of the kind of spontaneity that could go horribly awry (and by “awry” I mean “zzzzzzzzzz…”)?
Answer: Both alternatives can kill the sex. But both are ultimately completely critical. Confused? So was I. Lemme ‘splain:
I used to endlessly preoccupy myself with exchanging dirty emails with my fuckdates. We’d fantasize—and write about—everything we wanted to do once we finally got around to fucking. The ideas would get dirtier and dirtier and dirtier. By the time sexnight arrived, it kinda ended-up feeling like we were at an audition for the scenario we’d spent so long imagining! Or worse: if we didn’t hit all our “targets”, I’d feel like we hadn’t managed the insurmountable task of saving the world with the help of the best sex ever.
Needless to say, I became familiar with disappointment. How could such imaginative pre-planning not live up to expectation? (Let’s take for granted that sexual compatibility was never the issue.)
So I changed gears. I planned nothing more than the where and when. No dirty emails. No big dirty plans. My approach was to go with the flow and whatever kind of sex happened would be good enough for me. It never was.
This all evolved into Something Perfect: I had amassed such an endless supply of fantasy and finely-tuned smutspeak that I was able to dive into any spontaneous fuckdate with gold-medal results.
How? The Great Tease. I’d initiate e-smut during the lead-up, but withhold the dirtiest bits. I’d communicate “possibilities”, but offer no promises, keep no expectations.
As a result it would be my hookup’s imagination that would run wild, as he anticipated whatever might come his way thanks to my subtle hints and teasing.
I look back now and realize those failed and unfulfilled” fantasies prepped me in the art of building anticipation and developed me-self an awesome(!) vocabulary of smutspeak. The unprepared failures taught me that going with the flow without any sort of forethought poses a risk of boring sex.
Now I have The Wisdom: Not getting hung up on planning a fuckdate is very effective if, in the past, you’ve wasted way too much time living in fantasyland. Why? Because I now coast through my sex life with a pocketful of ideas, ready to please at the drop of my underpants.
Getting Your Place Ready for a Gay Hookup
Would It Kill You to Sweep?
Like many guys, keeping a clean home is not my priority. Well, not my top priority, at least. I generally only scramble to do so when I know someone is coming over.
Which should be the least everyone does! I hate hooking up with a guy only to find myself surrounded by damp, furry clusters of who-knows-what around his place.
Is it not a sign of maturity to acknowledge that all the grime and mold might be unhealthy? If not, then at least know how off-putting it is. And if you think your date won’t judge you based on how clean (not tidy, but clean) your living-space is, you better give your head a shake. It’s all very simple: you – will – be – judged based on how disgusting your place is.
So clean your goddamn apartment!
Find a hookup now at Discreet Gay Dating!
Take the bathroom. Skidmarks are bad enough, but I hooked up with a guy whose toilet was left unflushed, with a bowl full of shite looking up at me. Argh! I left.
Would a clean sheet be such a tall order? Do we not deserve not to have to worry about bedbugs? Bedbugs aren’t worth any shag. Consider me gone.
The smell of a long-unchanged kitty-litter box is another red flag, causing immediate olfactory distress. You can only wonder: if he can’t bother to maintain the cleanliness and well-being of his pet, what does that say about his own habits? Yuk.
Expend a little elbow-grease. Next time you have a few days off in a row, scour and scrub in such a way that not only will your apartment be hookup-worthy, but all subsequent cleanings will require nothing more than a freshening-up. You’ll be able to extend last-minute invitations and not feel ashamed.
I promise, promise, promise I’m not a clean-freak. At all. This isn’t coming from a place of neurotic housekeeping. It’s about decency. I can live in my own mess, but I would never expect it of others.
Besides, if things are clean, chances are I’ll be more inclined to get dirty…
Would you leave his place if it wasn’t up to your standards?
Gay Hookup Tips
Some people think it’s really easy to find a gay hookup for a fun time, and it definitely can be if you follow our tips for making sure everyone is on the same page and having a great time in any casual gay sex situation. A good one night stand is ironically (or not) something to hold onto! Everyone loves a good hookup.
Make sure that your hookup doesn’t think that you’re looking for anything other than a hookup. Be up front about what you want and you will more than likely get it! If your expectations are different, it might not be the best casual partner for you.
Have HOT Sex
The whole point of a hookup is to have great sex. Communicate with your lover about what you want in the sac, and be receptive to what they want you to do to them too.
Be Super Friendly
Even though you’re not dating, it’s appropriate to get to know your hookup a little. Being friends can enhance a sexual experience because you’ll feel a bit more bonded to your guy than just a stranger, unless you’re into stranger fucking.
Relax and Hang Loose
“Hooking up is supposed to be fun,” laughs Gary, a popular guy and hookup fan who finds guys on Discreet Gay Dating. “Think of your hookup as an escape from everyday life, and let your sexual energy fly!” Go with the flow. That’s part of the fun and sexy aspect of casual sex.
Be Open about Sexual Health
Check base about sexual health concerns early. Make sure you’re both on the same page about condom usage and what activities you’re down for. If engaging in BDSM or other fetish activities that might allow for a little pain and pleasure, make sure you have a safe word and a plan in place.
Can a Hookup Last Too Long?
You bet your arse a hookup can last too long. Sometimes it can get to feel like a funeral.
There are three likely reasons why you might start to feel the drag after the orgasm:
The sex was great but personalities are out of sync.
What you hoped would be a wicked hookup turned out to be a mercy fuck, so you linger, feeling an obligation to hang around long enough not to hurt the guy’s feelings.
The guy you hooked up with is guilt-tripping you into staying.
Number one is easy: keep the hookup lines open to reconnect, with an understanding that the relationship requires no more than a quick booty call. In and out.
The other two options are icky. Awkward. Unsettling.
Of course it’s awesome if you’re really interested in the guy you just hooked up with, but who knows if he feels the same way. Don’t put him on the spot. Neediness is not only unattractive, it’s unfair to heap it on a guy you don’t even know.
Instead you might consider some of these common courtesies, post-hookup:
Don’t ask for his deets. If he hasn’t offered you his contact info, it could be for any number of logical and fair reasons—including the possibility that he’s not interested in a future hookup. Don’t pry: offer your contact info instead. If he’s interested, you’ll hear from him.
Don’t ask for another hookup. Doing so can create awkwardness if his answer is no. Tell him you’d like to hook up again, and leave it up to him.
Don’t beg him to stay. If he’s trying to leave, he’s done. All future hookups will be off if his last memory of you is that of a groveling desperado.
Find your next hookup at DiscreetGayDating.com!
It’s tough to resist gushing over someone you’ve fallen for. But like any relationship, you’re better off waiting for the results of at least a few hookups (if you even get that far) before you open up too much. Keep your emotions in check until you can truly get a sense of his beyond-the-fucking interest.
Besides, not all guys will feel the obligation to be respectful: if you try to bully them into staying, you risk being told to your face, “Not interested. But thanks for the fuck.”
Read: How to Keep a Hookup from Getting Attached
Don’t Ruin the Mood During a Hookup
Know what drives me crazy? When I connect with a guy online, make my way down to his place for a hookup, and sex turns out NOT to be the priority. Argh! Why even bother to hookup?
Here’s what I hate most:
Guys who continue to trawl through profiles currently online in order to secure subsequent hookups—even for that same night! While I’m there!
Maybe it would be a different story if we were hunting for group sex participants; otherwise, log-the-fuck-off, would ya! This is not unusual. It happens regularly. Guys can get more addicted to ensuring future hookups than they are doing anything with them once they’ve arrived.
Oh, but there’s more.
If you don’t wanna send your hookup packing, please consider the following:
It should be obvious that no one wants to twiddle their thumbs while you’re busy texting or talking on the phone.
I can’t think of a single reason why anyone should have to endure sob-stories about whatever from a complete stranger who only answered your call in order to get off. Save the tears for your mother.
The rage you’re feeling towards your recent ex should not rear its ugly head during hookup time.
Tell us you’re being treated for syphilis before we leave home, not when we’re undressing in your living room.
Your pet is adorable. I’ll scratch behind its ears when I walk in the door and before I leave. Do not expect me to stop mid-grind to appreciate how cute it is when he or she tries to interrupt the shenanigans on the bed.
It’s a hookup—why should we only discover you haven’t showered when we’re yanking down your underpants while our face is an inch away from your crotch?
Are you looking to hookup or not? Unless otherwise stated, hookups are for sex. If it’s companionship you’re after, then say so. Don’t abuse quick-sex protocol by dragging your date into your personal issues.
Find your next hookup at GCruise.com!
It takes time and effort to hook up. Respect that.
If you find a quickie that becomes a regular, perhaps then you might develop a relationship wherein you can loosen-up the expectations.
Otherwise, we want your full attention and commitment until the job’s done.
Read: Tips for Gay Online Flirting
Turning a Hookup Into More
Does your favorite hookup give you tingly feelings in places besides your dick? Do you find yourself pining after them, wanting to hear about their day and spend more time with them? Perhaps it’s time to take things from the bedroom into more aspects of your life. How does that happen? It can be rocky, but following these tips should give you a smooth course from hookup to relationship.
Be Honest. If it’s making you feel weird to keep things casual with your lover, you’ve got to be honest. How do you bring it up? Maybe make a nice dinner at home and chat over some wine. Bringing it up in the post-coital haze could also be a great option for seeing how your lover feels about you.
Listen. “It’s really important to listen to what your lover tells you,” explains Vince Graham, a content editor for DiscreetGayDating.com. “They may be saying they’re ready for a relationship or not, and it’s important to hear what they’re saying, so you don’t miss what they are down for.”
Be Open-minded. Maybe jumping into a relationship right away is not going to work. Try to think of solutions that could make for an easy transition. Maybe you need to go out on a few dates instead of just spending evenings at home. Maybe you need to meet each other’s friends and family in order to feel comfortable calling each other boyfriend.
Love. As long as you are coming from a place of love and appreciation for your lover, you can handle anything! Sharing your feelings can be really scary, but it’s totally worth it and you will feel better once you’ve had “the talk.”
Put yourself out there and take a chance on a man who is worth the effort!
Building a Successful Gay Relationship