Gaytown is filled with guys for whom, and for whatever reasons, coming out happened late along the way. So late, in some cases, that ex-wives and children have become part of their package. And make no mistake about it: the once-married, father-of-three manhunk you’ve fallen for is a package deal.
Let’s assume a guy you meet tells you up front that he has kids. No other consideration is (or should be) as significant, thereby making the options kinda straightforward:
1) Run, if you’re not into kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. There are plenty of folks out there who are happy to take on that task. Be honest when you tell him kids aren’t part of your plan, lifestyle, whatever. He may be disappointed, but he’ll have heard it before.
2) Maybe he’s happy to compartmentalize his life in a way which allows the two of you to have a casual relationship that doesn’t include his kids (on the condition the relationship comes 2nd to and doesn’t encroach on his relationship with them). If that works – bingo.
3) Be a part of the package.
Gay men want to raise kids, too; for obvious reasons, opportunity is elusive. But if you find a guy you’re crazy about, and you like his kids, and they (seem to) like you, it can be a pretty sweet deal. I’ve seen it work many times. I’ve also seen it fail. It’s a commitment and sacrifice of the highest order; some guys forget that, or don’t see it, or ignore it.
Kids are his priority, otherwise you wouldn’t have faced this ultimatum in the first place. Are you prepared to take 2nd place, even when you really need him? If for some reason he can’t be there for them, are you prepared to step in and be the standby guardian (if not parent)? His divorce and child support will hemorrhage chunks of cash-flow that could have been spent on 5-star travel. Are you prepared to cut back on those beach holidays?
The list of bummers is endless. But the rewards can far outweigh them. If you meet an awesome guy and it turns out he has kids, it doesn’t make him less awesome. He’s more likely awesome because of his kids. And that’s an attraction worth consideration.
Personally, I think there’s something worse than all of this: If you meet a guy who hasn’t been somehow shaped by being a father, or by his kids, chances are he’s not worth knowing at all.