Escape Clause for Hookup Hazzards

Admit it, guys, you’ve done this, too –

You’re in desperate need of a quickie, so you indiscriminately find an online hookup. An hour later he shows up at your door; you take one look at him and think: OMG! I can’t possibly go through with this, not with this guy.

The turn-off could be any number of things . . .

  • the guy looks nothing like his profile pic (no surprise to anyone familiar with online dating)
  • his profile didn’t even have a pic, but you were so horny you stupidly imagined he’d show up looking like Russell Brand
  • he smells
  • he has two (two!) lazy eyes (my own personal deal-breaker)
  • and on and on

But this guy went to a lot of trouble and came a long way to accommodate your late-night urge. He even forked-out cab fare. Surely you owe him something for his efforts, no?

Say hello to one of the most secretly humiliating dilemmas of online dating: to Mercy Fuck or not to Mercy Fuck? That is the question.

The answer to this dilemma is that you must always, always, always ensure the Escape Clause before the hookup:

“You sound great, and I really wanna hookup tonight, but I have a policy of not fucking until I actually meet a guy in person to see if we have a connection. Are you cool with that?”

If he’s not cool with that, hang up.

Should you forget (re: be too horny to ensure) the aforementioned Escape Clause and subsequently find yourself in the company of a guy you’d never take home to Mom, here are some back-ups (all of them nasty, and will once again have you wishing you’d used the Escape Clause):

  1. Pretend the reason you were horny in the first place is because you were partying, but now you’re too wasted to manage.
  2. Throw your own game and be a real shitty lay; he’ll think the problem is yours and leave (you hope!)
  3. Defy the rules of engorgement by thinking of your Granny’s upcoming 90th.
  4. Or, the most difficult option – be honest (Be careful with this one. As noble as the honesty card sounds, the last thing you want to do is blue-ball a psycho at 2am.)

Clearly there’s no fine alternative to the Escape Clause. And resorting to a Mercy Fuck will leave you feeling grossed-out, ashamed, unsatisfied, and teeming with regret.

Some nights, maybe – just maybe – settling for a quick and quiet little wank on your own is the best solution. Your self-respect will thank you in the morning.

Be safe!

4 thoughts on “Escape Clause for Hookup Hazzards”

  1. OMG!!! Where was this advice when I needed it? I’ve always had trouble with one night stands because I worked my way through college in a gay whorehouse. So I do things that seem normal to me but it drives them wild.


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