First Dates: Please Don’t Turn Me Off!

This one’s easy:

Much of what can be a turn-off upon meeting someone for the first time is doubly off-putting when that someone is a date, bringing those turn-offs in to closer quarters.

I can’t believe I have to even state this, but the number one issue is hygiene. We live in the first world, with malaria-free running water. I’ll be the first to admit to skipping showers on those weekends at home reading or catching up on my favorite TV series – when I have no one to see – I can live quite peacefully in my own stench. But why on earth would anyone skip a shower on date night?! And guys do, they do!

It gets worse. Some guys opt for body sprays. Here’s the thing about body sprays: all they do is send the message that you’re covering up the smell of something far worse. And the sprays themselves – sprays whose only purpose are to mask – are chemically faux and unpleasantly putrid. I’d rather get a whiff of fried liver and onions. Puh-LEASE stay off the body sprays!

And here’s the part I most dread discussing, but, here she go:

If you plan on having anal sex, The Big Rinse is non-negotiable. (I’m not about to give you a step-by-step, but let me assure you that YouTube is your friend – you’ll find plenty of how-to’s.) It’s a simple fact that bungholes are naturally dirty (yes, even yours, despite its adorable bubble shape), and a poo-free butt will ensure your date isn’t so turned-off that he bolts before you’ve taken your socks off. Guys who are new to the anal douche will be intimidated (rightfully so, in my opinion), but with practice, it’s eventually no biggie, I promise. A clean butt is a pornstar butt.

If – if – the aforementioned are non-issues, and I happen to be hot on the guy, I’m willing to be a bit more lenient to forgive a case of bad breath, easily solved by brushing or gum (as I pop a gum, I simply say, “Gum?”, and he’ll pretty much always say yes. If he refuses, I get a bit yukked-out).

That being said, if he shows up with spinach, bits of pork chop, or a sticky yellow film on his teeth, I’m on the first plane to Afghanistan.

Be safe!

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