Expectations and Planning Hookups

Am I Thinking Too Much?

On the days leading up to a hot fuckdate, yes, I sometimes used to think way too much about it. Other times I worried I hadn’t given it enough thought.

So let’s say you have a hot fuck coming up on the weekend. Will spending every waking moment beforehand make for anticipation-overload, possibly even cause an anticlimactic date? Or will tossing all mental prep aside put you at the mercy of the kind of spontaneity that could go horribly awry (and by “awry” I mean “zzzzzzzzzz…”)?

Answer: Both alternatives can kill the sex. But both are ultimately completely critical. Confused? So was I. Lemme ‘splain:

I used to endlessly preoccupy myself with exchanging dirty emails with my fuckdates. We’d fantasize—and write about—everything we wanted to do once we finally got around to fucking. The ideas would get dirtier and dirtier and dirtier. By the time sexnight arrived, it kinda ended-up feeling like we were at an audition for the scenario we’d spent so long imagining! Or worse: if we didn’t hit all our “targets”, I’d feel like we hadn’t managed the insurmountable task of saving the world with the help of the best sex ever.

Needless to say, I became familiar with disappointment. How could such imaginative pre-planning not live up to expectation? (Let’s take for granted that sexual compatibility was never the issue.)

So I changed gears. I planned nothing more than the where and when. No dirty emails. No big dirty plans. My approach was to go with the flow and whatever kind of sex happened would be good enough for me. It never was.

This all evolved into Something Perfect: I had amassed such an endless supply of fantasy and finely-tuned smutspeak that I was able to dive into any spontaneous fuckdate with gold-medal results.

How? The Great Tease. I’d initiate e-smut during the lead-up, but withhold the dirtiest bits. I’d communicate “possibilities”, but offer no promises, keep no expectations.

As a result it would be my hookup’s imagination that would run wild, as he anticipated whatever might come his way thanks to my subtle hints and teasing.

I look back now and realize those failed and unfulfilled” fantasies prepped me in the art of building anticipation and developed me-self an awesome(!) vocabulary of smutspeak. The unprepared failures taught me that going with the flow without any sort of forethought poses a risk of boring sex.

Now I have The Wisdom: Not getting hung up on planning a fuckdate is very effective if, in the past, you’ve wasted way too much time living in fantasyland. Why? Because I now coast through my sex life with a pocketful of ideas, ready to please at the drop of my underpants.

Be safe!

Read Talking Sex: Before, During, and After

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