Talking Too Much on a Gay First Date

Always be sure to have the ball gag ready: some guys can’t help but hose you down with unwanted chat the instant the hookup begins. I’d like to think they’ll read this post and realize how off-putting it is. Fingers crossed.

If you’re out there looking at this, here are some topics we’d all like you to avoid during a first date… at least until we’re interested enough to ask for more:

Your venomous ex-wife. I’m sure the breakup was nasty, and hard on the kids, and yes, coming out was probably the right thing for you to do, and yes, she probably is making your life hell. But we’re not here to bitch about your ex-wife. Or your ex-boyfriend, or any of your exes. We’re here to have a good time. And while you’re at it, keep schtum, as well, on how your mother’s been unreasonable in her expectations of you.

Save it for the clinic. It’s one thing to tell me you’re lactose intolerant. It’s quite another to excuse yourself from the table because the quiche is going right through you. I don’t need to hear about your bowel regimen, your eczema, or your ringworm. Do tell me only about conditions I’m likely to contract — and try to tell me at the e-chat stage so I know not to show up.

LTR. I thought we were here to get dirty? It’s hardly a turn-on to be tested on how I might be suitable as a long-term companion. Shouldn’t we spend some time together first, see if it’s a good match? Listing expectations makes you look like a control freak, or worse, someone who’s more into the idea of a relationship than the relationship itself. Hardly sexy.

How work works. It’s one thing if you’re passionate about work. Even better if you have what others might consider a cool job. But all too often people who work within a cubicle will bitch and squawk about how shitty their office is run and how everyone but them is useless and blahblahblah. We don’t know these people. We don’t care about the old ladies in your office who hog the microwave. People who work in human resources tend to do this a lot. Please don’t bore us.

I dunno.

Or, who knows, maybe it’s good for me to hear these things on a first date, to get it all out early.

That way I’ll know not to stick around.

Read: How to End a Bad First Date

Be safe!

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